


I Can't Do This On My Own

by minyoonD



Series: YoonMin One shots !! [2]
Category: K-pop, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: @Yoongi, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Kissing, Bring Me The Horizon - Freeform, Crying, Depressed Min Yoongi | Suga, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired by Music, M/M, Men Crying, Min Yoongi | Suga Is Bad at Feelings, Park Jimin Is a Good Friend, Park Jimin Is a Sweetheart, Sad, Sad Min Yoongi | Suga, Self-Destruction, Self-Harm, Sleepy Cuddles, Their Love Is So, i love them pls, yoonmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-22 21:44:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11975646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minyoonD/pseuds/minyoonD
Summary: "Heaven's full and hell won't have me, won't you make some room in your bed? Well you can lock me up in heart and throw away the key, won't you take me out of my head?"- Bring Me The Horizon,And The Snakes Start To Sing





	I Can't Do This On My Own

**Author's Note:**

> *Trigger warning* Self-Harm, Self-Destruction
> 
> Insipred by lack of sleep, overflowing ideas, the urge to write and heavy music. 
> 
> (This kinda ended up being a song fic, BMTH just has such good lyrics)

"I'm at the edge of the world where do I go from here,

Do I disappear?" (2)

 

 

Yoongi sits on the edge of his bed in the dorm, head in his hands as all of the other boys drift to a peaceful sleep. It's a repeating occurance, sitting awake like this into the early hours of the morning.

The days are different. In the days he's distracted, he has work to do and he has other's to keep him company. At night it's not the same, he's alone too long with his thoughts and he often finds himself unable to sleep, at war with his own mind. Sometimes he thought about crawling into Jimin's bed and on very rare occasions he did. He would creep down the hallway sneaking into Jimin's room and slipping under his sheets. Jimin never asked questions, just held him instead, not willing to press and make matters worse.

Yoongi did this when awful nights became even worse than normal, when he thought of falling back on old habits he had never told the others about and very rarely slipped up. Sometimes he'd wind up with scratches on his arms and legs. "Bumped into something." he'd say with a shrug and everyone would take it as an answer with no further questions asked, everyone but Jimin.

 

 

 

"Heaven's full and hell won't have me,

 Won't you make some room in your bed?

 Well you can lock me up in heart and throw away the key,

 Won't you take me out of my head?" (1)

 

 

Lately his habits were becoming a problem again. Yoongi would find himself hidden away in the bathroom sitting on the edge of the bathtub with a piece of cold silver threading through his fingers, contemplating. Sometimes he would put it away and crawl into Jimin's bed. Sometime's he would calmly slide it across his upper arm and let the blood bead at the incision, crawling down the length of his arm. A trickling sense of relief.

 

 

"My skin's smothering me,

 Help me find a way to breathe." (2)

 

 

Tonight he was worse. He has no explaination as to why he felt the way he did. No solid explaination, anyway. It was years and years of pent up anxieties and frustrations and some nights things just simply became too much to handle.

 

 

"If we make it through the night,

 If we make it out alive,

 Lord have mercy and pray for the dead.

 ... 

 I fear I'm too far gone,

 Pray for the dead." (4)

 

 

Yoongi found himself sitting on the familiar edge of cold porcelain with luminescent lights and tears blinding his vision. He took the piece of silver between his fingers as if it was something fragile and dainty and he lifted his shirt just enough to glide the silver across the top of his hip breathing out in relief, strands of saliva breaking in his open mouth from his wet and crying lips.

 

 

"I've said it once 

 I've said it twice

 I've said it a thousand fucking times

 That I'm okay, that I'm fine,

 That it's all just in my mind." (5)

 

 

He rinsed the area clean with tears trailing down his cheeks. The urges came back not long after his clean up and the blade was put to rest in the far back corner of the cabinet beneath the bathroom sink. He fought the urges and dragged his feet towards Jimin's bedroom door. He slinked in quietly and invited himself under Jimin's blankets and sheets, pressing his face between Jimin's shoulders.

Jimin woke to the warmth of tears soaking through the back of his night shirt and a body trembling behind his, clinging to him like a lifeline. Confused, he tilted his head down to look at the arm wrapped around him and recognized Yoongi's long sleeved night shirt. He turned around in Yoongi's arms quickly, realizing it was not a dream and this was really happening. He'd never seen his elder such a mess like this.

"Hyung?" Jimin asked, now facing the other but placed slightly higher than him on the mattress. "Hyung, please. Tell me what's wrong. Did something happen?" Jimin was grabbing any part of Yoongi he could reach in a panic, holding the back of the other's head and pressing it into his chest.

 

 

"It comes in waves I close my eyes,

 Hold my breath and let it bury me.

 I'm not okay and it's not alright,

 Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again?

 Who will fix me now, dive in when im down?

 Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

 Who will make me fight, drag me out alive?

 Save me from myself, don't let me drown." (6)

 

 

"It's too much." Yoongi choked out into Jimin's chest.

"What? What's too much?"

Yoongi strangled a cry into Jimin's chest, unable to gather his thoughts in the moment.

"Shh.. Shh.. I've got you." Jimin cooed into the hair on top of Yoongi's head. "It's okay, you're okay."

Jimin was panicking and gripped Yoongi's hip in an attempt to pull him closer which only sent Yoongi flying backwards.

 

 

"We all carry these things inside that no one else can see,

 They hold us down like anchors, they drown us out at sea." (7)

 

 

"Hurts." Yoongi spoke, his voice thick and heavy with sadness as he settled back against Jimin's chest.

Jimin reached for the hem of Yoongi's shirt and Yoongi grabbed his wrist before he could lift it up.

"No." Yoongi spoke clearly.

"Just let me see what's wrong. Is it bruised? Did you hurt it dancing?" Jimin asked innocently, reaching for the fabric again.

"Jimin." Yoongi spoke again, holding the other's hand in place to keep the fabric down, more fear in his voice than sadness this time.

"I won't hurt you, I promise."

Yoongi breathed out a frustrated sound, letting go of Jimin's hand and giving up. He shut his eyes tight and pursed his lips, letting more tears blossom at his water line one slowly trailing down his cheek, not out of sadness but out of humiliation. 

Jimin lifted the fabric slowly and cautiously and stopped when he revealed the cause of Yoongi's pain. Three deep gashes, fresh and irritated at the height of his hip.

"Yoongi.." He gasped, blinking away tears that came to his eyes in an attempt to stay strong for the man infront of him.

He snaked his hand around the small of Yoongi's back that was now exposed and pulled him close, sitting in the middle of Jimin's bed. Jimin's warm hand hit the cold flesh of Yoongi's back and it was comforting for Yoongi.

"I'm sorry. It's not this bad. Tonight is just this  bad." Yoongi tried explaining himself but Jimin just tugged him closer.

He ran his hands through Yoongi's tangled hair and pressed every inch of their bodies together.

"I'm here now." Jimin voiced strong enough for the both of them. "I'm here." he rocked Yoongi into his lap.

 

 

"We all have our horrors and demons to fight

 But how can I win when I'm paralyzed?

 ...

 Don't go, I can't do this on my own.

 Save me from the ones that haunt me in the night,

 I can't live with myself so stay with me tonight.

 Don't go." (4)

 

 

Strong, grumpy, Min Yoongi. The Min Yoongi who never had a crack in his exposure, letting a rare, small smile slip passed his lips when the other members did something funny. The Min Yoongi that never went to others for help. The Min Yoongi that was a hard worker and never let others get to him or stop his genuis thought proccesses.

The Min Yoongi that was sitting a mess in Park Jimin's lap at nearly five in the morning with fresh self inflicted cuts lined up and swollen across his hip.

Jimin physically felt his heart shatter in his chest. His ribcage felt tight and his heart was throbbing. It killed him to see Yoongi like this. He rubbed up and down Yoongi's back beneath his shirt since that's where his hand was previously stationed at the moment of shock. Jimin's warmth calmed Yoongi down to longer but still slightly shallow breaths. Jimin's contact grounded him and he started to feel bad for dragging the younger into his mess.

 

"Everything I touch turns to stone,

 So wrap your arms around me

 And leave me on my own." (3)

 

 

"I didn't mean to hurt you. I couldn't go to anyone else." He whispered into Jimin's neck, now calm.

"All those nights you snuck into my bed, were they after this every time?" Jimin asked feeling guilty for not seeing it.

Yoongi shook his head.

"No, they were instead. I came instead of hurting myself. You never pressed and I felt comfortable passed the numbness." he addmitted.

"Keep coming here instead, even on the really bad nights. I'll hold you until you're all cried out and the thoughts leave your pretty little head alone." Jimin cupped his cheeks on either side to make eye contact.

Yoongi closed his eyes with an exhale and let relief wash over him, like the weight of the world just lifted from his shoulders. He didn't excpect it when Jimin's pillowy lips pressed gently into his own, fluttering his eyes open for only a second to see the tears finally fight their way passed Jimin's eyes, tasting the saltiness of them between their lips.

Yoongi held onto him more intimately, like his life depnded on it. Fingers carding through Jimin's hair and resting around his neck. It ended all too soon and Jimin laid back down, pulling Yoongi onto his chest.

"I care about you more than you could ever understand, Yoongi-Hyung. Come to me instead."

Yoongi nuzzled into Jimin's chest and closed his eyes, letting his breathing even out.

 

 

"Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much.

 Tell me that you love me 'cause I need you so much.

 Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much.

 Say you'll never leave me 'cause I need you so much.

 Don't go, I can't do this on my own, don't go." (4)

 

"Hey, Jimin?" Yoongi whispered sleepily, eyes still closed.

 "Yeah?"

"Thank you.. I love you."

"I love you too, hyung. Get some sleep." Jimin said rearranging Yoongi and himself to get more comfortable and wedge together seemlessly.

Yoongi relaxed against Jimin's warmth as the sun started to rise, hearts beating in tandem, inhales and exhales timed perfectly save for the soft snores that passed Jimin's lips and hummed Yoongi to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Songs:
> 
> (1) And The Snakes Start To Sing
> 
> (2) Sleepwalking
> 
> (3) Blessed With A Curse
> 
> (4) Don't go
> 
> (5) It Never Ends
> 
> (6) Drown
> 
> (7) Chelsea Smile
> 
> (All by Bring Me The Horizon)
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading, <3


End file.
